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O.C. Stonestreet

The things I do for my readers. I recently went into one of those fast-food hamburger chains having a royalty theme. You know the one. They have been filling my TV with ads recently regarding their newest offering, calling it something like “the Incredibly Difficult Hamburger” or something along that line. Let’s refer to it in this column as the “IDHB,” shall we?

Made out of plants, it is supposed to taste like a regular, grilled-beef hamburger, but contains — wait for it — no beef whatsoever.

It was lunchtime and I had been to town and was headed homeward and was near the intersection of I-40 and Taylorsville Road. I called home to see what wife Judy wanted for lunch. It was 12:03:09 p.m. I told her where I was and she distinctly said, “Well, I don’t want a burger.” I suggested a chicken sandwich and fries meal for her lunch, which she said would be “fine.”

I went in the restaurant and got in line. A fellow in front of me was looking over the options available for lunch, reading the large sign on the wall in front of us. I asked him if he had tried the “IDHB” yet. He said he had not and ordered two regular-type burger meals to go.

I was next in line. A pleasant young lady asked me what I wanted. I ordered one of the chicken sandwich meals for Judy and told her I wanted the “IDHB” by itself.

“To go or for here?” she quickly asked.

“To go,” I quickly said.

“That be all?” she inquired.

“Well, yeah. Y’all been selling a lot of them, have you?” I said, hoping for an interesting answer.

“Yes,” she said, and told me the total for the chicken sandwich combo and the “IDHB.” It came to $13.32, including tax. By itself, without tax, the “IDHB” was $5.59.

“So, how was it, O.C.?” you, the reader, might ask.

I’ll tell you the truth; I owe it to you, my loyal readers out there in R&L-Land, who might be considering ordering an Incredibly Difficult Hamburger for yourself: It was just like one of the royalty-themed restaurant’s regular hamburgers, as to taste, texture, moistness, weight, etc., as far as I could tell.

I am a meat-eating, red-blooded American who eats beef on a regular basis, and it would have fooled me. I should note that the chain restaurant did not give me a free meal or in any other way sway this column. Honest. Cross my heart.

Try an “IDHB” for yourself. I did.

The things I do for my readers.

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O.C. Stonestreet is the author of “Tales from Old Iredell County,” “They Called Iredell County Home” and “Once Upon a Time .... in Mooresville, N.C.”